|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| well there isn't much to say except that i am a prideful ________! (fill in the blank) Not so much that I walk around saying how amazing i am, nor do i really sit and think to myself how wonderful i am, but it is in the dark corners and covered layers where i subconsciously have attitudes and ideas that affect the way i view myself and others. For example, i can have a desire to do missions, yet beneath the sly comments and smooth behavior, i have a motive of fame and recognition instead of the glory of my dear god's name and renown. I can quote to you david saying in the Psalms, " Your name and renown is the desire of my heart." but that actually is a far cry from the truth. i ttruly desire my own glory, i want my fame. this is dangerous in the greatest way.
Daydreams can often be a great way to catch a glimpse of how we truly view ourslves. Yes they are dreams and can often be unrealistic, but they display to me the motives of glory for my own heart. How can i describe the subconscious pride? It just lingers beneath...for instance, in church the pastor can give an altar call or he can ask for people to raise their hands if they have been struggling with a certain thing. I may not say to myself i am above that, but subconsciously i really do, and to the surface arrives an excuse or a half hearted hand raise instead of an emphatic pumping fist with a cry of 'O what a wretched man i am".
The only times we may actually admit to this sin is in our blogs and when the appropriate occasion arises to show how humble in fact we are.So many attitudes and ideas are affected by this disease of self exaltation.
The most disturbing thing is that the cure, humility, is possibly the most elusive trait. just when you think you got it, it's gone. we instead must live lives of where we think ot of ourselves as amazing, nor do we think of ourselves as rotten worthless filth, but we just dont think of oursleves at all. This idea comes from the brilliant C.S Lewis. I must learn to think less and less of myself, nor congratulate myself when i do. i must enter a room and area thinking of only two groups. Others and the beloved trinity. Me, myself, and i must not enter into the equation. if i begin to put myself above others or view myself as more capable, more equiped, more knowledgeable, and more "spiritual" than there is a dangerous road ahead of me.
Pride is the first sin and the most dangerous. It leads to a myriad of othe sins that love to tag along. Selfishness, greed, lust, you name it. For it can drive them all. For as C.S Lewis says, "Pride is essentially competitve." It doesn't want to be as good as, it wants to be better than.
That is my great worry, for God opposes the proud. For he will far more quickly choose a less expeienced, less equiped, less knowledgeable person who is humble, thatn choose a man who has it all together yet knows it too. this is my worry. I must learn to forget myself, if i ever want to be used by God. pride is disgusting in his eyes nad he alone can heal me of this disease that i've gotten myself into. And it sure won't leave be jsut admitting it. Lord knows I have to learn to die to myself again.
Wow that was long, but it felt good. So much for that first sentence. | | |
| i don't know why, maybe it is weakness, but I must give a disclaimer for what i just wrote. Internet writings can be very useful. they are just extremely inferior to a good ol' conversation. so now you must read what I wrote. please. | | |
| my deepest apologies. i feel that i can not write what i would like to write for i know by some chance someone may read this and news would spread and opinions would flare, and wounds would be created. so I'm going to shut my mouth to this internet world, and if you want to hear what is going on in my life you will have to track me down and talk to me face to face. No facebook. No I want to grab your arm, feel your hand, and see the beauty in your eyes. not some flaming internet post or some even more flaming internet picture. i want you. then i can decide by the spirit of God whether i can share with you what i have been disovering, unearthing, finding, learning, probing, deciphering, interpreting, and just straight understanding about life and our savoir. But no, not here on this impersonal internet that does not show the feel, or give the smell, or presence of a person in the flesh. I want conversation. I want privacy. So my deepest apologies for not writing a normal blog of my heart for the reasons mentioned above. it could be controversial, which is good, but i would rather decide face to face. i like people in the flesh, yes with clothes on too! don't be sick. What if we one day we only communicated through email, blogs, myspace, and msn messenger? No more seeing people, we are all seperated for the sake of health and cleanliness. Sounds like a book that Ray Bradbury could write. Mmmhmmm...ray bradbury. he's good. like grabbing someone's hand and looking them in the eye as a dear friend who doesn't have to speak. It is all just understood by the feel and look. ray tells it all so well. he's a magician. yeah... | | |
| well here is a tid bit of what i'm learning. Sorry it kind of starts crazy quick... no smooth entry. o well.
It is one thing to thank God for the blessings that surround us while we do our best to help our suffering brothers and sisters around us, and it is completely different to take for granted the blessings of God with little prayers and then forget the needs of other people. I believe this is what I have fallen into, although God is beginning to open my eyes again. A great book “The Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne, has begun to open my eyes again to the needs in this world. It opens my heart to see that Jesus has called the church to go to the poor, and not for the poor to go find a church. Or as Rich Mullins sarcastically points out, God created the highlighter so we can highlight the parts we like in the Bible and dismiss the rest. I guess that’s what I’m learning in my own life. To embrace the parts in the Bible that make me feel uncomfortable. For God didn’t call comfortable, luke-warm people that like to have their ears tickled with easy, get rich quick and go to heaven too type doctrine, but instead He desires people to give their all for His kingdom. He wants us to leave our safe and reliable fishing jobs, and He asks, “Do you love me? Feed my sheep.” There are many difficult calls in the Bible that are much easier to just skip over. We tend to want to tame God and make him more condoning. There is less guilt and demand on our lives when He is a push over God that doesn’t care what we do. Why have an invading dangerous God, when we can create a safe, make believe god that will appease all our wishes? It’s a genie god that will tell us all the things we want to hear. Christ is now pointing out in my life how I tend to believe in this genie god, and I only take in the parts of the Bible that encourage the life that I want to live, and not the life He wants me to live.
It is good to look back in my short life and see how our dangerous and powerful God is so loving and faithful. I fail and He still succeeds. I fall and He is there to pick me up and wake me up from my slumber. I look back and see how he has blessed me with an amazing family, and how I have had the opportunity to go to Kenya, and even how He has blessed me with passionate people and churches that surround me. Is our God not good to us? Is He not faithful even when we are not? How can I not trust a King like this with my life?
| | |
| A simple song...
25 years down the road, will i lose my pride and learn to cry,
A homeless man clingin' to your hand, will I lose myself and discover you,
A coward in the dirt, helpin the hurt, givin my shirt to the needy heart,
Will i die these days, cry these days, seekin your face where there is no trace,
Livin this life of hypocricy, seeing only things that I want to see,
Givin to the poor without lookin for more, open my door to the dying man,
Easin my conscience with a simple tithe, trying to get by without givin my life,
Teach this heart to love the lost, i don't want to ever consider the cost,
Do I fear to open my ears, to hear the cries, dismiss the lies,
Can I seek out the prostitute, and reach out to the destitute,
Do we really love one another, when we have a dying brother,
Where's my stain of feeling their pain, without ever considering my gain,
Take this heart, and take this soul, use me lord and make me whole
Take this heart , and take this soul, be glorified in my o Lord | | |
|
